i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just had sex on a roof
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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