I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
