Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i already hear my dad disowning me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
