So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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