Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
