you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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