Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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