Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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