dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.