....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
