I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
