don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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