sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
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We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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