i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
