my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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