I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
