3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
