Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
