Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just tell him i said nine months
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
