If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
