i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
