My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
