Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
