Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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