I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
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I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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