what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i love accidental penises.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
