conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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