just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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