How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
