If i come over, it means nothing
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
