mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
