I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
