Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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