He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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