he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was like eating out sand paper
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
