It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
