Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
