Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
