i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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