Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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