I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
