No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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