My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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