Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
