Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
third nipple confirmed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
