After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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