we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
