I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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