my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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