Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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