She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
