Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
