We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
