My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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