I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
