I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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